1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means one-half hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' -- that will bring on a 'whatever'.)
8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
9) Don't worry about it, I've got it: Another dangerous statement , meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3.
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
The 7 Habits of Men & Women
Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them.
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.
Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them.
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.
Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Picture speaks a 1000 words
(Here's the reply the teacher received the following day)
Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.
I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.
From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
World's greatest magician
Three world famous magicians were in the bar drinking and boasting about their achievements.
The first one said," During my latest show, I made three women from the audience disappear, it was so convincing that their relatives started panicking, no one could find the trick"
The second one said, " Hey, that is nothing, during one of my open air shows I made the Municipality building disappear and the entire town was searching for it"
The third one sighed and said," Both of you are so local, I went to Paris and made the Eiffel Tower disappear for a full one hour, it was live on the TV, entire France was searching for the building & no one had a clue".
Just then an Indian walked into the bar and the three magicians suddenly turned quiet, gave each other fugitive glances and started to slip towards the door.
A Bartender watching this got curious and asked one of the magicians, "Hey what happened ? Who is that guy ? "
One of the magicians whispered, " He is the World's greatest magician, he has done the biggest disappearing trick of all times, we are all mere amateurs compared with what he has done. His name is Ramalinga Raju. He has made USD 1.5 billion disappear from his company's balance sheet in front of everyone's eyes, and the entire world is still looking for it "
The first one said," During my latest show, I made three women from the audience disappear, it was so convincing that their relatives started panicking, no one could find the trick"
The second one said, " Hey, that is nothing, during one of my open air shows I made the Municipality building disappear and the entire town was searching for it"
The third one sighed and said," Both of you are so local, I went to Paris and made the Eiffel Tower disappear for a full one hour, it was live on the TV, entire France was searching for the building & no one had a clue".
Just then an Indian walked into the bar and the three magicians suddenly turned quiet, gave each other fugitive glances and started to slip towards the door.
A Bartender watching this got curious and asked one of the magicians, "Hey what happened ? Who is that guy ? "
One of the magicians whispered, " He is the World's greatest magician, he has done the biggest disappearing trick of all times, we are all mere amateurs compared with what he has done. His name is Ramalinga Raju. He has made USD 1.5 billion disappear from his company's balance sheet in front of everyone's eyes, and the entire world is still looking for it "
Friday, January 16, 2009
Monday, November 24, 2008
Black Robbers (A True Story)
For anyone who didn't see the episode of David Letterman's show where this story was told, read this: (And remember it's a true story...)On a recent weekend in Atlantic City , a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine.
She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.'I'll be right back and we'll go to eat' she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an intimidating figure.
The woman froze. Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.'
Her next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed.
A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased!
The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. 'My God' she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted..Perspiration poured from every pore.
Then one of the men said, 'Hit the floor.'Instinct told her to do what they told her.
The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor.a shower of coins rained down on her. 'Take my money and spare me', she prayed.
More seconds passed.
She heard one of the men say politely, 'Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button.'
The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men.
They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. 'When I told my friend here to hit the floor,' said the average sized one, I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am.'He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
The woman thought: 'My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.'She was too humiliated to speak. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her
to her room..
She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.
As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter
as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room; a dozen roses.
Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred-dollar bill.
The card said: 'Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years.'
It was signed: Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan.
She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.'I'll be right back and we'll go to eat' she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an intimidating figure.
The woman froze. Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.'
Her next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed.
A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased!
The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. 'My God' she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted..Perspiration poured from every pore.
Then one of the men said, 'Hit the floor.'Instinct told her to do what they told her.
The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor.a shower of coins rained down on her. 'Take my money and spare me', she prayed.
More seconds passed.
She heard one of the men say politely, 'Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button.'
The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men.
They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. 'When I told my friend here to hit the floor,' said the average sized one, I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am.'He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
The woman thought: 'My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.'She was too humiliated to speak. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her
to her room..
She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.
As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter
as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room; a dozen roses.
Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred-dollar bill.
The card said: 'Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years.'
It was signed: Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan.
Friday, October 10, 2008
How Wall Street Works?
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went into the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 for each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each, and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how Wall Street works.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went into the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 for each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each, and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how Wall Street works.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Marriage Jokes
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
Or get married and wish you were dead.
---------------------------------------
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the
Wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
-----------------------------------------
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
-------------------------------------------
When a woman steals your husband,
There is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
--------------------------------------------
A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished.
-------------------------------------------
A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
A man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
--------------------------------------------
Then there was a woman, who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
And by then, it was too late.'
---------------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
----------------------------------------------
If you want your spouse to listen and
Pay strict attention to every word you say...
Talk in your sleep.
-----------------------------------------------
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
You can stay single and be miserable,
Or get married and wish you were dead.
---------------------------------------
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the
Wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
-----------------------------------------
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
-------------------------------------------
When a woman steals your husband,
There is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
--------------------------------------------
A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished.
-------------------------------------------
A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
A man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
--------------------------------------------
Then there was a woman, who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
And by then, it was too late.'
---------------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
----------------------------------------------
If you want your spouse to listen and
Pay strict attention to every word you say...
Talk in your sleep.
-----------------------------------------------
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Polish Joke
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.
L: I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland .
L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.
L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.
L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.
L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.
L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.
L: I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland .
L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.
L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.
L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.
L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.
L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'.
Fishing in Canada
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to Go fishing up in>Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box?We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up." "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, Did exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I Asked you to do?"
The wife replied,
"I did... THEY'RE IN UR FISHING BOX............. "
Monday, September 8, 2008
Dont copy if you cant paste!!
A popular Motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. He said: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"
The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"
Laughter and applause continued!
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home.
He was a bit foggy after a drink.
He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
The wife went wan with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was!"
The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"
Laughter and applause continued!
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home.
He was a bit foggy after a drink.
He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
The wife went wan with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was!"
Why men don't write advice columns
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady .
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs... Sheila Usk
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady .
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs... Sheila Usk
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter
Friday, September 5, 2008
Singh is King
Doctor to sardar patient : Ab aapki tabiyat kaisi hai.
Sardar : Doctor saheb Pehle se jyada kharab ho gayi hai.Doctor : dawai khali thi kya?
Sardar : Nai doctor saheb. dawai ki shishi to bhari hui thi.
Doctor : Are Sardar ji mere kehne ka matlab hai ki, dawai le li thi kya.
Sardar : Ji, aapne dawai de di thi aur maine le lit hi.
Doctor: Abe, dawai pili thi kya?
Sardar : Oho, nai doctor saheb dawai to lal thi.
Doctor : Abe GADHE, Dawai ko piliya tha kya?
Doctor( in frustration) :Abe teri to, Dawai ko muh lagakar Pet me dala tha k nai?
Sardar : Nai doctor saheb.
Doctor : Kyon?
Sardar : Kyonki dhakkan band tha.
Doctor : Teri sale, to Khola kyon nai.
Sardar : Saheb, aapne hi to kaha tha ki, shishi ka dhakkan band rakhna.
Doctor : Tera ilaz main nai kar sakta.!
Sardar : Accha Doctor saheb ye to bata do ki main thik kaise hounga Doctor : Abe teri... @#$! ^&*!
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